The Jericho Road

This is mostly a word to family and friends we have left behind in Florida and Ohio after our three week holiday.

The flight seemed short, for me. I slept for soundly for nearly three hours, something I’ve never been able to do on a flight. Maybe there are some unexpected benefits to getting older, other than the wise, mature appearance sculpted from my colourful life.

Though I slept, the three hour drive from Gatwick airport to Wales found me sleepy through the last hour. Sharon was nodding and since we talk little in the car anyway, she wasn’t much help in keeping me awake. I was tempted to let her drive. Perhaps it was the thought of surrendering control to another nodder that kept me alert enough to finish the drive.

After a short greeting to the birds (We have parrots and then some), I trudged upstairs for what became a three our ‘nap’. Meanwhile, I have since learned, Sharon unpacked all of our luggage, determined to stay awake. So far so good, though I’m writing from upstairs and she may well have fallen succumbed in front of the tele. I did hear the opening soundtrack to Coronation Street not long ago.

On the way home I thought and we talked about our future plans to move to the States in a few years. Perhaps this isn’t the best place to break the news, but I’m not as sure now as I was even a week ago. We both have our misgivings. For me, maybe it’s cultural shock from adapting to life here after eight years. I don’t know for sure. I do know America felt so temporary. Or at least I couldn’t get a connection to anything other than family and friends.

That isn’t meant to sound dismissive of you, only that I’m not sure my being in America, depending on where we lived, would mean that much more time together. It would be a easier for us to visit on another, true, but would we? We all seem to have mapped out our separate lives in ways that don’t allow much family time. I’m not saying that is good or bad, just that it is and that we all may like it that way.

It could also be that I spent so much time driving in traffic, sitting at intersections, and feeling impatient with the erractic driving of Floridian’s, young or old. I never thought I would miss a roundabout! And few remember the difference between a slow and fast lane or that reading and phone conversations are best done while sitting still. And being dragged, chin on the floor, to Busch Gardens and later to Universal Studios didn’t help. I felt like a cheap, disposable, abused consumable at the merciless hands of greedy conglomorates. I have vowed never to do that again, no matter who’s feelings get hurt. They are not places fit for man or beast though plenty of both were on offer (for triple the price).

The next holiday may be a solitary one, a spiritual retreat for a week or so. I need it, even now. But thankfully I have the privilege, as a pastor, to be paid for a little taste of that everyday. Most mornings or evenings I have the opportunity to spend some time alone at home, alone on a walk, sitting on a small mountain in my car, or meditating in a quiet bird hide. I plan to be more consistent with these daily gifts of time alone with God. My fellow human beings, especially my church members, are best served when I have worshipped God from my heart, when my mouth has been disciplined by the silence of my soul.

But now isn’t the time for thinking of the next holiday or moving to America. Tomorrow brings the rest of spiritual work that I enjoy in Christ and I’m looking forward to seeing those I’ve missed while on my wanders across the waters. One of the first things to do is find another speaker for my church in Newport. I had a message on my phone that a fellow pastor is too ill to make that appointment. In fact, I need to see to that within the hour. Better get to work. 

One more thing. Now that the holiday is over, expect a bit more theology on the Road. I’ve been thinking more, longing for more on the sufferings of Christ for the sake of those he loves. I also have to fulfill a promise about some thoughts on the prophetic subject, the ‘mark of the beast’.

I hope to hear from you as well. Until then, you have my best thoughts and affections, not enough, I know, but accepted in God’s grace it will be more than I imagine.

About to pack and leave within the hour for the Tampa airport. Our flight for the UK boards at 6.45 pm. I’ll be up most of the night and expect a struggle with jet lag for a couple of days. Don’t count on me for much until Thursday, though I’ll be working by then. I’ll use the time to catch-up, do some planning, prepare for the Sabbath sermon. With that little bit I’ve got to close. See you all soon. I’m ready to come home.

The scheduled speaker at the Sarasota Seventh-day Adventist Church, a chef who was to have a weekend program on diet and health, has cancelled. His wife is in the hospital. So I have been invited to preach the Sabbath sermon. I would appreciate your prayers, both for myself and this family who are suffering.

Though God has clearly revealed his message of salvation to us in the Scriptures, I’ve learned from his Word and through experience that he has more guidance in preparing the preacher and people to receive the gospel. We need an openness for his presence now and on the day.

Some may think it is a matter of course, a part of daily worship and Christian life to enter the Sabbath as if no special preparation is necessary. I am not one of those. The call to meet with God each day is a spiritual imperative, I agree. However, the Sabbath is time set aside for holy use, a time that is unlike the rest of the week, a time when secular things are laid down. This includes more than stopping our secular work routines. We are also called to turn our thoughts away from secular interest, whether pleasure or work, and centre them solely on holy things. It is a mistake to suppose this comes easily for those who have not taken time each day for worship. But it is also a mistake to think no special effort is necessary to enter the Sabbath without profaning the time with our secular thoughts.

It is common thinking among some Christians to make no distinction between time given us for work and the time God asked us to consider holy. But this isn’t the teaching of Scripture.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work,  but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

Exodus 20.8-10

The line, and there is a line, between the secular and sacred has become so blurred holiness is no longer cherished. In such cases God gives us what we want until we feel the emptiness and long again for his presence and rest. He permits, and even leads us into, suffering so that we might be humbled and realize how meaningless life is when we take him for granted or deny him altogether. When we crave a blessing more than God himself nothing but suffering the pain of his absence will lead us to him.

I’ve been thinking more lately about the holiness of the Sabbath hours, especially the worship service. It is too often man centred, a merely social time, with little evidence of God’s immediate presence. Very little compares with the experience related in the Scriptures of the humility evoked by the nearness of God to sinful human beings. Our careless conversation continues to betray the secret desires of our hearts, the desire to feel satisfaction from the approval of others rather than that which comes from knowing God has accepted us by his grace. 

The Sabbath, like no other day, is a foretaste of heaven itself. No other day can so fill the soul with the Spirit of God. This is the promise of God and the privilege of man to find our meaning in the presence of his holiness. This is my hope for tomorrow and the days to come.

“If you turn back your foot from the Sabbath,
from doing your pleasure on my holy day,
and call the Sabbath a delight
and the holy day of the Lord honorable;
if you honor it, not going your own ways,
or seeking your own pleasure, or talking idly;
then you shall take delight in the Lord,
and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;
I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,
for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

Isaiah 58.13,14

12.30 pm. (est), Sarasota: I’m back in my sisters office checking my email and the blog. Arrived about thirty minutes ago from the airport in a rented silver Chevy Cobalt. The Toyota Highlander (check out the YouTube video ad) we had the week before was nicer but used more petrol. And Sharon was afraid to drive it, thinking she might not be able to see cars on the farside. I’m hoping she’ll try to drive this one.

The flight was short, two hours. Since boarding was at 9.00 am we were awake at 5.00 and on the road by 6.30. Traffic wasn’t too bad. My father and step-mother took us. It was hard to say goodbye, to them and to the rest of the family. Once a year visits are the best we can do right now, yet they create a certain pain we all could do without. But it’s a “necessary pain” for loving and being loved in a world where the very act of living creates a sense of loss.

By the time we checked our bags and had breakfast at a place called Moe’s on Concourse 3 we only had a 15 min. wait. The waiter, a sauntering middle-aged guy, introduced himself as “Skip”. I was sorely tempted to ask “Skippy” for something, but I skipped the thought instead.

Without doing much we’d call work today, I’m travel tired. Looks like we’ll take some time by the pool this afternoon. Sorry to tell you that if you can’t do the same. I guess were special.  

I’ve taken more time for spiritual reflection since yesterday, some before bed last night, prayer this morning, and some reading on the plane. I am thankful for God’s patience with me, his mercy and love, and I want more time with him this week. We’ll see how it goes. I’m not one of those guys who says, “Oh, it’ll be okay. Jesus loves us”. I believe he does. What concerns me is our love, or lack of it, for him. I don’t believe in a certain happy ending just because it comforts me to think so. I would rather have no hope than a false one. Better still, I want a real one, based on a living, personal relationship with God. A supposed hope is no hope at all.  And I know I can have a good hope in Christ. It’s up to me…each day…it’s up to me.  

Holiday’s, mine anyway, distract me from spiritual things. Have you noticed?

Leaving for Florida early in the morning. One more week there.

I thought I was preaching next week, but there has been a change, for the best I think. I have some thinking and praying to do.   

 

11:00 am (est), Lexington, Kentucky: Yesterday, Sabbath, was Derby day at Churchhill Downs in Louisville, so coming home from the Middletown Adventist Church we ran into traffic, oddly enough at the Lexington track, Keeneland. They have drive-up betting and watched the Derby on a big screen. Church, Sabbath, gambling, horse racing, traffic. Which did we do?

We surprised my friend, Pastor Erik Carter, as he was making a few announcements at church. Later we spent a pleasant, windy afternoon with him and his wife, Harmony, at their annual Derby day church picnic. After visiting at their home and looking at some pictures, we made the hour long drive back to my sisters in Lexington.

My son called at 9:45 pm. He was off work and would come over after he cleaned up. He and his wife Sarah stayed until 1:30 am. We laughed as we watched a bizarre program about making Poodle clothes, talking (gossiping) about family and ourselves.

At the moment I’m trying to eat some cereal, type this post, and be ready for a ride to my daughters. This will be the first she has seen Sharon (my wife) in seven years. It’s been more than two since I’ve seen her. Long story and not enough time. I don’t think she would want me to tell it anyway. The best we can do is all meet together- father, son, daughter, sister, mother, wife, daughter-in-law, hoping it all goes well.  My daughter lives in the same small Kentucky town where I used to sell drugs and bootleg whiskey. At least I’ll be straight this time.

 

2:20 pm (est), Dayton, Ohio: Birdwatching was cancelled today during lunch at Bob Evans family restaurant when I mistakenly mentioned to Sharon that Massasauga rattlesnakes were a part of the wildlife. My assurances of a snake-free boardwalk failed to convince her. So I am writing to you from a Wi-Fi hotspot in the Dayton Mall as Sharon shops, free of rattlesnakes, but exposed to the greater dangers of salesmen and other creepy crawlers of a human variety. I had to fend off several when I made the mistake of wandering into their range, which is hard not to do since their kiosk scatter the mall like viper’s dens in the desert. I repeatedly had to use the magic words, “I’m just browsing”, before they quit their pursuit and I could quiet my racing heart.

Just now, to my right, a large male, young and fat-bellied in apron skin is accosting women with a plate of dough from “Auntie Anne’s” soft pretzel shop. After a pause, he is back with a fresh plate of hot temptation. I’m close enough for the smell to turn my head…his way. I have to keep my wits about me. He’s caught another wide-bottomed girl and her friend. A little taste and she joins the que. The last thing these two need is a giant pretzel, their legs hardly able to support the twist and turns they brought with them.

While queuing for a ride at Busch Gardens last week, Sharon tried to convince my petite sister there were more obese people in America than Britain. I pitifully tried to disagree, knowing all the time it was a lie. A quick random survey of the Mall leaves me without an excuse. Trundling rolls of pulsing flesh are everywhere. Black, white, young, old, male, and female. It seems to help the boys if they wear their ball caps backward and their trousers low, how I don’t know. Is obesity ever in style?

I’m sitting at a long conference table at RMD Financial, my sisters company, feeling the privilege as I wait for Sharon (my wife) to sort out a glitch in tomorrows flight to Ohio. Evidently, the flight given us by Travelocity doesn’t exist in Sarasota Florida. I’m sure it will be easy to fix…hummmm.

We’ve been lounging through the morning, getting up late (me any way), and generally taking it easy. Sharon lay by the pool while I showered and had some devotional time. It was a long, tiring day at Busch Gardens yesterday, nine hours of walking like the tourist we are through thousands of others trying very hard to enjoy themselves in the bright, orange heat. Late in the evening I passed a large orangutan with the hang of it, lying in the shade under a cluster of palm leaves he pulled over his head. Like all the other animals on the small artificial Serrengetti, shade was nearly as important as food and water. In that respect, we animals appeared the same.

After lunch today (I haven’t had breakfast either) we will be visiting the LaRondelle’s. Hans LaRondelle, retired now, has been an influential theologian in the Seventh-day Adventist church. I’m picking up a specially bound printing of his book, How to Understand Bible Prophecy. I told him Sabbath I misplaced my copy. Did he have another? He does, but one in ring-binder form, one that will lay flat, accept added pages, and is easier to use as a syllabus for teaching.

But beyond this, I hope we have time together for a few questions. I’ve read most of his books; he has had a strong influence on my thinking, especially my understanding of God’s everlasting covenant, the book of revelation, the errors of dispensational thinking, and what he calls a gospel hermeneutic. I would love to have hours with him, time to learn and ponder, ask and explore some deeper things of God.

So you see, I’m having what the old timers call a ‘bus man’s holiday’. Should the theological warmth be equal to a Florida afternoon, even that of an orangutan under his palm leaves, it will be enough for me. 

9:30 am: I doubt these holiday posts will amount to much more than electronic postcards. I have good intentions, but like many on holiday, I find myself too busy to relax. I’m surprised at how much shopping needs to be done. (Is ‘needs to be’ the right way of seeing it?). We were in the store at nine last night buying cheap beach chairs, an umbrella for shade, and drinks for today. We have been to bookstores, clothing stores, department stores, and the odd shop while walking around eating ice cream.

We are ready right now to go somewhere. Where that is we don’t know, a beach probably. Yesterday we stopped at a park near Lido Beach. I did some bird watching and Sharon walked along the water collecting the odd shell. I have some picture of several Yellow-crested Night Heron’s nesting and in the late afternoon while Sharon was at the Mall, I found a family of three Sandhill Cranes eating out in a pasture of cows. I hope to do more birding today.

Sharon is waiting for me to finish this. It’s a late start this morning, just the opposite of what we planned, because I stayed up until 2:00 in the morning talking with my sister about our spiritual lives, church, theology, and our alienated childhoods. We will have more time together over the weekend. (She is working during the week).

As I said Sharon is waiting. I better go.

Oh, one more thing. We concluded last night that I am not a good “sightseer”, not being easily impressed with much of anything in the world, natural or otherwise. I prefer the living to the dead, the simple to overdone, and of course, I am sinfully lazy. I didn’t want to leave this insight out as it explains why I find holidays as much a distraction as anything else. But I don’t live alone in the world. Translate that as: I don’t always get my way. A good thing, do you think?

7.00 am: This will be a short note. The sun is already up and I’m ready to do a little bird watching before breakfast. I am sorry to tell you this but the weather is in the mid-eighties everyday. We spent yesterday afternoon at Siesta Beach walking in the water down the fine white sand. It was windy. When we sat for awhile I could taste grit in my mouth. That isn’t a complaint. I would do it everyday in Wales if I could.

I have to go now. In bird time I am running late. I will post an update once I have seen a few Sandhill Cranes.  

 

I’m still, after more than two years, trying to come to terms with what I’m doing with this blog. This past week one of you mentioned something I wrote while we were talking on the phone and another sent me an email, not the first, and you too mentioned the blog. I know both of you are fairly regular readers. Knowing that you and other local friends are reading, as well as family and friends in other parts of the world is making me take stock of what I want to say here. Too often when I’m writing I have the first time visitors in mind. I don’t mean I never think about you. I do. Quite often. But I owe you more than I’ve been giving.

I guess what I really want to say is that I’m feeling a need to be more faithful to my friends, to write more directly, to write for those of you who have shown an interest in what I have to say and have given me your support. I also want to apologize for being so focused on my own spiritual life that I don’t let you know how much you mean to me. I know your stories, some of them pretty well. You’ve shared some very personal things about your lives with me and I think I should keep that more in mind as I write. Those of you who stay with me here probably do so simply because of our friendship and the faith we share. I need to show you more respect.

Since this post is especially for those I know personally, I know I can trust you to understand what I am saying. For some of you I am your pastor. I want to encourage you to let me know what you would like me to write about, what subjects interest you or to ask any questions you have about the spiritual life. I know we talk about many things, but here I want to focus on the spiritual journey we have begun and the parts of it where our lives meet. And you should always feel from to disagree or to let me know when you think I need some guidence or changes in my life. You should know by now I want to be open. I like to think I am, but I also know I can easily fool myself about myself.

I don’t think I’ve betrayed any confidence on this blog. At least no one has complained of that yet. What you’ve shared with me privately has remained that way. When I thought it was good for others, I’ve asked your permission to pass your thoughts on. I hope you’ll continue to share your own experiences with me.

That isn’t to say I haven’t said things that were confusing, perhaps depressing, or self-centred. If your a friend reading this, you know how I can be at times. You know some of my history with depression and addiction and that I am still recovering. That isn’t my excuse; it’s my reality. But again, the fact that you’ve kept reading and responding from time to time means we have a certain understanding and love for one another.  So in the future, beginning now, I’m going to move more in your direction as I write, trying to see your needs, how they connect with my own life, and how I understand God’s leading for us both. Even as I write these words I’m thinkg of you who I’ve been in touch with this past week. You know who you are.

I’ll close by saying I hope this coming day brings you a deeper awareness of God’s love, his forgiveness, his care for you, and his willingness to bless you. I appreciate your friendship. I’ll talk to you again soon, either here, by email, or when I get back from America. (I’m leaving for Gatwick tonight.) God bless.

 

    I’ve had a good day today, a good Sabbath experience with others and with God.  
    At church in Cardiff I spoke about making messes, feeling like we are the mess, how that creates feelings of shame, and how God goes about healing our shame if we do not resist his mercies. We looked at these things, in part, through the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10.30-37).
    I suppose one of the things that felt best was the satisfaction of feeling connected to others as I shared these truths with them. I think most of us, or at least many, felt this way. I know it was a painful subject, touching on issues of abuse and it’s trauma. I had hesitated in talking about these things because I wanted to be as sure as possible I didn’t create any unnecessary pain, that I myself did not abuse the privilege of trust given to me by my friends. From talking with them, even asking them at the end, the response was very positive; they felt it was what they needed, something to help with the healing of their soul.  
    What more could I ask for today other than heaven itself? I like being surprised by God’s grace even when I should have been expecting it. This quiet sense of his presence, the assurance of his love and mercy, the solid consistency of his righteousness are things I always long for and he often supplies. Why then should it surprise me again when it comes? Perhaps because surprise itself is one of his blessings. It keeps the ‘amazing’ in grace, always fresh, clean, and satisfying. God is good.

P.S. I’m still working on some things on prophecy (Rev. 13 & 14). I haven’t forgotten. It’s just that I have so many things on my mind, good things, and I am trying to see how or if they connect. Some thoughts on shame and how that might relate to Revelation 13, to the power and deception the Beast uses to manipulate people into worshipping him, are new to me. Themes of abuse are clearly there, inherent in the nature of the Beast. Give me a little time on this one.  

Regarding the new template, I’ve decided to keep it. Several of you have said you it like better, it being lighter and therefore easier on the eyes for reading. And it has a less sombre feel than what will now be the old one. It was just hard to give up a design I had spent so much time on.  

Let’s see who likes it and who doesn’t. I’m not sure myself. But maybe I can get away from the dark feel of the old grey one I like so much. Or does this seem a little dark too? No surprise if you know me.

Change…superficial is easy…but from the inside out?

The late Christian psychiatrist, Dr. Paul Tournier, in his book The Healing of Persons (Collins, London:1965) says:

    “It is when in meditation and in the penetrating presence of Christ we face up to the moral demands of the gospel that we measure our sin and see the fundamental part it plays in our lives.
    Soul healing means bringing souls into contact with Christ. Outside that our efforts are incomplete and our results indecisive. The conviction of sin is not a thing we acquire by being told about it.
    The only possible foundation for Christian ministry to one’s fellows is this profound realization of one’s own sinfulness, which comes when one is face to face with God.” p. 229

    I found this principle is also true in preaching, as well as in one to one experiences. Merely discussing sinfulness, what Tournier defines as anything that separates us from God or others, will not produce the conviction that motivates change (repentance), not unless we do so in the presence of God. Only in his presence is the voice of self-justification silenced and we learn what true holiness means. And because of our sinfulness, this experience must be repeated often for spiritual growth to continue. If not, we sink back into the dark mire of self-satisfaction.

    I cannot overstate the necessity of God’s presence in all things we call a Christian experience. From the quiet moments of personal worship, into the common experiences of daily living, to the height of hearing his word preached, it is vanity without God being with us. Whatever we are doing, wherever we go, the experience will be empty if God is not abiding in the heart.

   Therefore, the Christian’s first duty is to abide in God’s atmosphere of grace, as real as the air we breathe, until we see ourselves as God sees us and we know as a living truth what the forgiveness of sins does for a soul in need.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.  -John 15.1-11

 

Following the last post and the uploads there, I have just uploaded five books by Ellen G. White. They are in .pdf format.

• Steps to Christ
• Desire of Ages
• The Great Controversy
• The Acts of the Apostles
• The Story of Prophets and Kings
  
• Christ’s Object Lessons
  

Find them here.

 I also have several others by the same other, but as online links that you may find here.

After providing some material for a family member, I thought I should make some additions to the blog’s .pdf files. I would like to do more, and will in the future, but time and work in the so-called real world are against me at the moment.

Since I’m going on holiday for three weeks, beginning April 21 (leaving for the States on the 22nd), I may have time to research and upload more in the evenings. At any rate, I’ll keep blogging while in Florida and Ohio.

And yes, I like to do such boring stuff on my holiday. I’ll get to it after dark, when the lack of sunlight puts my birdwatching adventures on hold. (I’m not yet up to night-time adventures in birding. Maybe someday.)

Anyway, the rest of the post is about the upload.  

The afore mentioned paper is now a .pdf file added to this blog, entitled, The Biblical Sabbath: The Adventist Perspective, written by Dr. Angel Rodriguez, chair of the Biblical Research Institute in Washington, D.C., a think-tank of the General Conference of The Seventh-day Adventist Church. (This paper is also online here.)

The paper is more than seventy pages long and includes an extensive bibliography. It is a comprehensive biblical study of the Sabbath, including discussion of passages erroneously put forward as arguments for a change from Saturday to Sunday as God’s designated day to worship him.

Now all I need to do is find time to read it myself. So far, I’ve only hit the highlights and a section on the expression, “the Lord’s day”, in Revelation 1.10, which is what I was looking for in the first place.

Apart from being an excellent study on the subject of the Sabbath, it is also a good example of Adventist hermeneutics (the science or art of Biblical interpretation).

The Seventh-day Adventist church follows the Reformation practice of allowing Scripture to interpret itself, using linguistic-historical methods. We officially reject the historical-critical method popularized by 19the century liberal theology, though a few writers and theologians within the church still use this now discredited methodology. (see Davidson’s article linked below for the argument against this method).

Papers on Adventist hermeneutics may be found online here or on this blog in the .pdf download section. Note especially the article, Interpreting Scripture According To The Scriptures, by Dr. Richard Davidson, prepared as an Adventist position  paper in conversation with the Catholic Church.

A briefer Seventh-day Adventist postion paper on principles of Biblical interpretation may be read online here.

I haven’t forgotten my promise to write on the ‘Mark of the Beast’, about what it is, what means, and why it matters. In fact, I’m reading and writing on it now. I just took a break to check my email and the blog.

Had a busy weekend. Sabbath at Newport and dedicated three babies to the Lord. I always enjoy seeing parents bring their children to Christ for his blessing. Then I spent the afternoon in Cardiff. We had a guest speaker for Sabbath and Sunday, four sessions on relations between Muslims and Seventh-day Adventist. We concentrated on basic understandings and practical principles of relating to those of another belief and culture. So, yesterday was full as well.

Unfortunately, one of our guest was the victim of a smash and grab in our parking lot. His passenger-side window was shattered and his sat-nav stolen. Getting that sorted with police and repair took several hours. He had to return to London for work the next day, so we had to find someone who could fix the glass, a little harder to do on Sundays. Anyway, it worked out.

I was impressed with our visitors faith and patience in putting up with the inconvenience of this senseless vandalism. It is common now. The police no longer bother to show up. They just take a view details and hope for the best. Not much they can do with this kind of crime. Such youth crimes, which CCTV proved this to be, have deep roots in social, economic, and spiritual soil. I’ll skip the sociology lesson at this point. We’ve heard it all before if we’ve watched the news. All of our hand wringing won’t fix the problem.

Personally, I believe Christ when he said the problem was one of the heart, that good and evil come from the heart of man, and we should concentrate our efforts on reaching others there, where it counts. It was heart work with Christ and so it will be with his servants, mending one broken heart at time. When the heart belongs to God the life is changed and grows daily in it’s likeness to his character. He becomes it’s life and healing. Therefore, I’ll continue to focus on God’s reconciling work through his Son, Jesus Christ, his work of bearing our sin on the cross and being raised from the dead for our justification.

I woke up today in despair…feelings of utter worthlessness…wanting to chuck it all in. I rolled over on my stomach, after many doubts, and began to pray. I thought of different people I could talk to and decided I didn’t want to dump my load on them even if it was pride holding me back. I didn’t want to infect someone else with this dark spirit. So…I approached Christ, thinking of him as my High Priest, the only one who could bear my sin. I poured my feelings out to him, being as honest as I could.

As I did, he began to give me thoughts, Scripture, true words, reminding me of how my feelings of worthlessness and spiritual inadequacy could only be healed by trusting him to give me his own righteousness, one that I did not create or earn. I thought of Isaiah 53, that he was wounded for my transgressions, bruised for my iniquities, and that with his stripes I am healed. He has born my disease and my dis-sease.

I began to meditate on passages from Romans about the corruption of everything human, including our so-called ‘good’ works. I accepted once again my place before God as one completely undone by my sins and sinful nature. I thought of Isaiah, Daniel, and John who only saw their corruption when the Lord revealed himself to them. I accepted once again that my only righteousness, the only one acceptable to him, is that which his Son achieved and offers to me freely. I accepted once again that Jesus Christ died for my sins and the sins of the whole world when he hung on the cross. I accepted once again that he is my only hope in this life and for the one to come.

I am writing this to tell you who share my sins and shame that there is real hope, our only hope, in the mercy of God in giving his Son as our Saviour, our Substitute, our Surety. Everything else will fail you. Everything else has failed me. Everything and everyone. And I have failed. If you do not know this you do not know God, nor the evil of your own heart. If you do not know this your condition is far worse than those who live in despair, for true despair is not knowing your despair, but living with a false hope. I thank God for his law that drives me to despair of everything but his Son and his righteousness.

I’ve hammered these words out today from the darkest places of my soul, from that edge where death is very close. I moved this morning from death to life. I found these words, this Life, my righteousness before God because I was given them freely by God in his mercy for my lostness. This is my life today. Christ is my life today. I do not want another.  There is no other. Christ is my righteousness.

One of the reasons, I believe, that a blog like this has significantly more readers than comments has to do with the nature of the subject. Many of us find it either painful or embarrassing to openly discuss our spiritual lives. The internet magnifies this on the one hand because it is such a public forum, yet it’s supposed (and I do mean ‘supposed’) anonymity invites conversations.

But apart from any such influence, our natural hearts resist any disclosure that would offend our selfish pride. The more the law of God requires in holiness the less we want him, until we are changed. (Romans 7.7-13; Romans 8.7-8). Nothing is wrong with God or his law, but something is profoundly wrong with us.  

These thoughts come to me as I sense my own hesitancy to share what I am feeling and thinking today about my spiritual life. Lately, I’ve been wishing I had begun to blog anonymously. But I’m not that kind of guy. I know, it could be pride pushing me toward recognition. I really don’t doubt there is more than an unhealthy measure of that. I do my best to resist it. At other times it fills me with disgust. But I’ve learned there is also a vanity in thinking I will someday be “perfect” enough to talk about God with others. That is more than delusional and certainly comes from fear born of pride.

With all that verbal baggage in hand, I’ll come closer to the bone, be it bare or full of flesh.

I woke up today, I dare not say ‘morning’, longing for God to strengthen my weakness, to give me wisdom for my profound ignorance, and most of all, to forgive me for what and who I am. I have been struggling for some time, it comes and goes, with self-hatred on one hand and pride on the other.

As I prayed along this fault line I began to think about the work of the Holy Spirit and the righteousness of Christ, what it means to be filled with the Spirit of God, and how great my need and the need of my church members is for a renewal of his work in our hearts. I prayed for them and myself. I began to pray for faith and to ask forgiveness for doubting Christ’ willingness and ability to work in our lives. I prayed to see more of his love for me.

That I am writing these things, that I am working toward their fulfillment, that I am able to live another day with hope, this is evidence to me of God’s blessing. I look forward to more today and much more in the coming week.

On Sabbath I have three couples who will bring their young new-born babies to dedicate to God. I want us to have the deepest assurance of God’s presence. I want the parents to know with a certainty in their hearts that God will bless their little babies no matter what they meet in their lives. I do believe Jesus is coming soon and that times are getting harder in every respect as we approach that day. What does the future hold for these infants, for their parents, and for the rest of us? Will we find hope in the tragedies that await some of us? Will we keep our faith when it is tried in the fire? Will the threat of suffering and death for God’s sake cause us to forsake him or will we be faithful ‘unto the end’?

My work as a pastor is not to answer all the questions for the future, but to spiritually prepare those God has given me for whatever lies ahead. I cannot do that without a spiritual life of my own. I cannot give what I do not have and I cannot have what God does not give.

I am praying today for his work and will to be done in my life, for him to do what I am powerless to do myself, not only for me but in me. 

To have this spiritual life means to have Christ himself abiding within my heart through faith. I have never known the power of his Spirit without the assurance of his presence. I do not want some power to ‘use’ apart from him. Experience has taught me that I will have as much of his personal presence as my faith will accept and his will allows. He knows what is best and he knows when it is best. So, like the psalmist before me, I wait on the Lord. And I wait with hope.